I have to say this is a very interesting and moving thread - thank you all for posting.
My own realisation came after many years of feeling guilty, observing the lack of love shown directly and indirectly, in my dealings with Elders. I came to the conclusion that I would die at Armageddon, as I just wasnt good enough. I heard how Jesus condemed the Pharisees, and yet It seemed to me it was just the same in the Organisation, our whole lives being micromanaged, our consciences being turned over to a group of old men. I did little things like grow beards to make myself feel I did have some control over my own life.
It eventually came to a head when my whole happiness had finally evaporated, I turned inwards, I realised so many of the things around me were a result of the influence of the witnesses, I had no ability to make choices, someone had always made them for me. I didnt feel like attending a meeting while feeling this way, and after that I decided to never attend again. It all came out in one moment, I suddenly realised a great relief, I wouldn't be hearing the propaganda that made me feel so low any longer. Once I had made this huge change and upset my imediate and extended family, I realised my outlook on life was changing, I could now make this life count not the next one. I made many mistakes as I was learning to make life choices for myself, but I was discovering myself too, finding out who i really was and what I believed. The journey has taken a few years and of course will always continue. I feel so removed now from that previous life, I went through the depression, and feeling dead inside, to anger and finally to forgiving myself for falling for all the bulls$%t I had taken into my head. I'm still growing as a person, I still lack self confidence in many area's, but I am moving forward, surviving and living at last.
CS 101
